I feel a sense of déjà vu as I enter the messhall, my sleep once again disturbed by my thoughts. This time my mind is full of the events of Risa and the strange woman I had met. It seems wherever I go the Suliban and their Temporal Cold War intercepts my life. Whether this is by accident or design I don't know and the more I think about it the more my head hurts. That's why I'm here to get some warm milk to help me sleep. Suddenly I see movement and turn to see Trip sitting in the corner, he looks deep in thought and at first I hesitate over speaking to him, deciding whether I can leave before he notices my presence. The decision is made for me when he turns to look at me. He stands and heads to the door.

"Trip". He stops but his back is still to me, "You don't have to leave on my account."

I watch as he lowers his head and then slowly turns to face me, a look of anguish in his eyes, and I can't help think that it's my fault that he feels he can't be alone in the same room as me. I quickly get my milk, and walk over to the door.

"I'll leave you in peace." I say as I slowly walk past him, the door sliding open for me.

"Cap'n." I stop at his words, my heart breaking a little at the formality. Although Trip always called me by my rank on duty or when we're with the rest of the crew, a lot of the time when we were alone, he would call me by my given name. Since our mission has begun, with the exception of Admiral Forest and Silik, it was only Trip who called me Jon, that was until I killed our friendship and I realise that is one of things I miss the most. I turn slowly trying to keep a neutral expression.

"Yes?"

"We need t' talk."

I nod slowly and walk over to one of the tables and sit down, he slowly joins me and for a while we sit in silence. Just when I think that maybe nothing will be said he sighs.

"I guess our trip to Risa didn't turn out quite like we wanted."

"No I guess not," I'm not sure where this conversation is heading but I'll let Trip lead. I've got the feeling what he has to say is important and if I'm going to save this friendship, I need to let him speak his mind.

"Hoshi seemed to have fun."

"Yes, I think."

"Are you over it?" His question startles me and for a moment I'm not sure what he's talking about.

"What?"

"Are you over it?" he repeats slowly.

"If you're talking about my feelings for you then. " I pause, I could lie and possibly get my friend back or tell him the truth and loose him for ever. I remember back to my thoughts before I went to Risa and realise that I can't lie to him or myself anymore "No, I'm not."

He snorts at that and stands, walking over to look out at the stars. I slowly follow him just standing behind him.

"So you're tellin' me that you suddenly woke up and had feelin's for me?"

"Trip, I don't think it was a sudden thing, maybe I've always had these feelings for you, but it was when I almost lost you that I actually acknowledged them." I run my hand through my hair in frustration. "I have always loved you as a friend, your loyalty, honesty and sense of humour has got me through some really tough times, but recently I've begun to see you differently. The way your eyes light up when you see something new, the look of concentration when you're faced with an Engineering problem and I realised that I love you." I've said it and the next few minutes will determine my fate. "So you were serious when you kissed me, it wasn't a joke or a way at gettin' at me?"

"Getting at you?" I'm confused by the question and he turns and faces me, his eyes suddenly looking scared. "I don't understand."

"That you know?"

"Know what?" I'm beginning to get angry with this conversation. "Trip, you're not making any sense, know what about you?"

"I have t' know Jon that what you told me was the absolute truth."

"Trip, I haven't got a clue what this is about, but I swear that what I told you was the truth. I love you and although I don't regret telling you of my feelings, I do regret that by doing so, I've killed our friendship and, if you can forgive me and in time forget what I said, then maybe we can go back to being just friends." I watch as he walks back to the table and sits heavily.

"Do you remember me telling you about Sam."

"Yeah, the stunning blonde you met at the Academy." I look puzzled at the change in conversation; "You were crazy about her."

"Him."

"What?"

"Sam, was a Him." He sighs. "Samuel Taylor, a budding Engineer like me and like me bisexual. We were lovers for two years, until we had to make a decision, our careers or each other." He looks at me waiting for a response but I'm in shock. "Then I met Natalie."

"Did you love her?" I ask, my brain still trying to make sense of this revelation.

"Yeah, I suppose I did, we were together for a long time, but she always knew that there was someone else."

"Sam?"

"No, she never knew anything about Sam." He rubs his hands over his face and then looks at me, "Don't get me wrong I never regretted what Sam and me had, but I was scared that if someone found out, both our careers would be over. So it became my sordid secret and I felt I had to watch how I acted around other guys." He stands and begins to pace, "Then you tell me that you love me and my worst nightmare is happenin'." He stops and looks at me, pain in his eyes. "So how did you find out?" I sit in stunned silence, my mind trying to comprehend the information it has received, my emotions in turmoil and I find myself reacting in the only way I can.

"You bastard!" I stand and glare at him as he steps back, surprised, "You fucking bastard, all this time I've been tearing myself apart, convinced that I've lost the best friend I've ever had because I told you I loved you. That I offended you by implying that you should have sex with me and not a woman and all this time you've been lying to me."

"I ain't lied to you." He recovers and steps towards me.

"What do you call it?" I'm shouting now, "You made me feel like some pervert, that I had disgusted you."

"You're a Starfleet Captain, what was I supposed t' think?"

Our faces are inches apart and we are both breathing hard but the statement drains my anger and I see his point. I have never given any indication that I liked men in that way and my declaration was sudden. I realise that if the situation had been reversed I probably would have acted the same way. I look at him and smile, my hand reaching up to caress his cheek. I hold my breath, waiting for him to react. He closes his eyes and turns his face, gently kissing my palm. As he opens his eyes I open my mouth to say something, he silences me with a finger on my lips. Slowly he leans in and kisses me, a sweet gentle kiss filled with promise, as he pulls away, he smiles.

"Let's go somewhere more private." He turns and walks towards the door. Suddenly I remember something from our previous conversation.

"Trip." He turns to face me, "You said Natalie always knew there was someone else. Who did she mean?" He smiles again before answering.

"It was you. I fell in love with you, the day we met, but I knew you were straight, so I just buried the feelin' and made sure I'd always be your friend." He laughs at my stunned expression, "So you comin' or not."

I follow him out the door and to his quarters. Once inside I start to feel nervous and Trip noticing this kisses me, his tongue tracing my lips and I open my mouth to allow him access. He presses his body to mine and I feel his erection pressing into me, leaving me in no doubt that he wants me as much as I want him, the sensation turning me on more than I ever thought possible. His hands work their way underneath my top and we break our kiss long enough for him to remove it. He gently lowers me to the bed and soon the rest of my clothing joins my top on the floor and I lay before him naked. He quickly takes off his own clothes and stands over me and suddenly my nervousness returns as I look at his own swollen erection.

"It's okay, we don't have to do anything you're not ready for."

I start to relax and hold my arms out to him. He kisses me again and I revel at the feel of his skin against mine, our kisses becoming more passionate. His lips leave mine and he starts to kiss his way down my body briefly stopping to pay equal attention to my nipples. I gasp and then moan as I feel one of his hands wrap around me, gently stroking and squeezing and I realise that I'm getting even harder. I try to push him down lower, wanting to feel his mouth around me and he looks up at my flushed face.

"Impatient ain't we." He leans up and kisses my lips again and my arms wrap around him pulling him even closer. Once we break for air he resumes his journey south whilst I writhe beneath him and finally when I think I'm going to explode with frustration I feel his tongue trace my tip. The sensation causes me to lift my hips off the bed and I feel his arm hold me down.

"God Trip," I gasp as he licks and sucks me. Then I feel him move back up my body and our erections rubbing together. He starts to thrust against me and instinctively I do the same, knowing that I'm not going to last long. Our rhythm quickens and I close my eyes as I feel the beginnings of my orgasm.

"Look at me"

I do as he asks and look into his passion filled eyes as I climax, Trip following seconds later, collapsing on top of me. I feel boneless as he rolls off me and watch through half closed eyes as he walks to the bathroom, returning with a damp cloth. He cleans the semen from me and I sigh as I feel the coolness against my heated flesh. He slips into the bed pulling the sheet over both of us and I settle in his arms.

"You okay?" he asks.

"More than okay. That was great but I thought you'd.. we'd.." I trail off unable to actually say what I want as Trip chuckles, the sound vibrating in his chest.

"You thought I'd want t' have your ass." He laughs again and kisses the top of my head, "Well I do, but Jon this is all new t' you and I'm not gonna rush ya into anything. We're gonna take this slow an' easy."

I am touched by his concern that I'm comfortable with what we're doing and realise once again how much I love this man. I lift my head up to kiss him tenderly as he runs a hand down my back.

"I love you." I tell him as I fight to stay awake.

"I love you too." He pulls me closer to him as I drift off to sleep.

A few hours later I awake and feel my lover's body stir against mine. I can't believe I'm here in his bed, in his arms and I begin to think of how far we have come both in our mission and our lives and realise that as long as we have our thoughts, desires, hopes and dreams, anything is possible.